My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
