FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
