his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
