Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
