my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
