totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
