She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
