if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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