i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
