Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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