ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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