Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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