At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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