I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
