Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
