Porn is love you can see.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
