Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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