I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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