Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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