I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
