I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed smells like the plague
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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