i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
