My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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