I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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