Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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