My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
