You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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