you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
