Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
