i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
