I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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