I just saw a hot homeless man
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
