So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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