i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
