I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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