woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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