My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
