YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
