In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
