Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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