New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
