So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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