literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You left your phone here
Wait...
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