So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
