billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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