So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
