i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
