Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
