this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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