cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
