you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
