guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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