Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's official drugs can't kill me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
