i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
