remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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