Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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