Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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