Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize