we're chasing vodka with high fives
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is Oprah even human
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