Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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