Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
