I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
