I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
